Tired of talking to a machine?

      Tired of talking to a machine?

In a consumer era that allows you to do almost everything by telephone except find a human being to help you, at least one brave man has decided he is not going to take it any more.   Paul English’s moment of clarity came in March when he was being bounced around the automated "customer service" system of a cellphone company.   "It was incredibly incompetent," English said. He was driven to fury by the customary line "your call is important to us", so often delivered to long suffering customers — by a supposedly soothing robot. "Yeah, your call is so important that I’m having a computer talk to you," he snorts. So rather than pressing a key for more "options", or simply screaming into the telephonic abyss, English decided to get even.   He put up a "cheat sheet" on his website telling readers how to subvert the electronic defences of dozens of big corporations and break through to a live person. If calling a well-known credit card company, for example, he advises you to: "Ignore prompts and invalid entry warnings; press #0 four times."   In the case of Ikea, the appropriate technique is "to hit 0 many times fast — if you do it once, or too slow, it will merely repeat the menu".   For some other companies the website provides the extension numbers of executives, leaked by insiders.   The cheat sheet (http://paulenglish.com/ivr/) has become a sensation, and made the author, who runs a budget travel website, an overnight hero of a frustrated age. He has been inundated with praise and, in a few cases, declarations of love.   "I’m just shocked at the attention this has got. It’s now a media furore," English said. Practising what he preaches, he picked up on the first ring; he believes voicemail wastes everybody’s time.   The corporate response is still unclear. The cost-cutting advantages of automation are obvious, and companies have been trying to make their robot voices sound friendlier and more responsive.   There are even experiments underway with "smart" systems with "emotion detection technology" programmed to respond to loud swearing or the mention of a rival company by transferring you to a representative.   English is unconvinced. "I’m cynical," he said. "I think it is a bunch of hogwash.   "Some clever technologist trying to sell technology. They should just let me hit 0 at any time to connect to an operator — don’t make me instead shout expletives at the computer."   He believes there is no substitute for a live, listening human being. "It’s a foolish mistake to try to save a few pennies but piss off your customers," he pointed out. – Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2005